Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Waking Up

Good Evening Relatives

Most of you dont know me. I most defiantly am standing outside of my territory here. Standing before you and talking to all your lovely faces. I sit here amongst you today, daydreaming...
 Daydreaming upon you over there being my auntie, He my brother, and up there my grandmother. I daydream of making you my relatives.
Those are big words i know... Yet i pray to finally find my people and my home. Of my long, long search all over the Earth, coming to a slow end, as i finally find my Nation and My People. 

I was born in Northern California, in the Redwoods. I was born among the Tree Nation and know and understand the Medicine from the Standing Ones, from our Ancestors. I know the Earth. I know the Water, the rains that abound my home land... I feel divinely connected to my physical Birthplace. To the Mountains and Green Earth Mother that surrounds me. Yet up there i stand alone. I stand within a family that loves me, that cherishes me, yet i still seek more... More of a  connection to the People, to a Community, a Family, One Nation... 

When i look in the mirror, i am shocked to see a White Women standing before me. I see that White skin and think, how could that be me? I dont feel white. I dont feel like i belong to this Nation. I see myself as a young, beautiful dark skinned, dark hair Indian Women. A Red Women.

Yet deep within my heart i know we are all One Nation..... Yet most people dont remember this. We still judge each other for the color of our skin....Many will enter into that tipi and see it full of white people and leave. I too, still separate the colors. Yet here i walk this Red Road, but am being constantly judged as i have pale white skin. 

I know who i am....
My heart strongly holds this knowledge. This wisdom the Ancestors bring me Sing loud and clear. I know my Song.  I am a craftswomen who works that way with her hands. Who brings healing to the people. The best way that i know how. Using the Plant Nation, the Stone Nation, the 4 Legged Nation, and the Winged Nation in healing. Bringing forth their medicines to teach the people. Remind us who we are...Yet my heart cowers in the corner questioning Creator if i am Worthy? Worthy of such medicine....

How can a white women know the old ways and teach of the traditions?
Why am i worthy from all other 2 Legged that walk this Earth, to be gifted as a healer?

I am yet just another human with so much mixed blood in her that i have no distinct connection to the land or Earth. I feel i am no race and thus can not find my tribe, my people, and my way home...

I have been searching across Mother Earth since i could pick up and travel on my own. I  have searched continents, glimpsing in on religions and cultures that are far more different than i ever would know. Not was it till i opened up my Heart in South East Asia did i hear Mother Earth Speak to me. They were not human words. They were not audible. I finally had heard Mother Earth's Heart Beat and it connected with my own beat. Our hearts were beating together, as one, and i understood as we spoke to one another and she told me "Go Home. Go Home to your Land and your People." 

Yet i felt i still didnt know where home was and what could possibly be waiting for me, as i had spent searching the first 16 years of my life for that Connection. Yet i knew in my Heart that i must return to my land. And there i did. Back to Turtle Island and to my People.
 Connecting with the land at home finally brought me back to the Earth. I traced back to my one traceable Indigenous relative. A Mission Indian as her entire culture was ripped from her. She has no traceable roots. Only a name and birth place. Thus i have taken that name into my Heart. 

Juana Montijo - 

Her home was in the land of the Chumash people and thus i have taken the Chumash into my Heart as well. And with this distant Great Great Grandmother i sing my songs of the Earth to her and ask for guidance. I pray to her and my Ancestors to strengthen my connection with the Earth. To teach me the ways of my distant relatives, of my long lost people. I ask for connection to Creator God, connection to a nation, tribe, a community, to people from the Heart of the Earth.

I have seen the older me. I have had a glimpse into my future. I  look into the Obsidian Mirror and see myself as a reflection, as a Grandmother...
That wise women, that elder that is within us all. I see that chubby women with long, graying hair that is full of starlight caressing each strand. She is being cradled by Mother Earth. Surrounded by wildlife and all that is our Mother. The Earth knows me, she is within me, and we are all one. That women in that open field just beyond the edge of the forests and growth of the Standing Ones is hunched down, leaning over and harvesting wild herbs. With Rushing water nearby, wild wolves out in the distance cry as the full moon rises. That women wears a bear hide over her shoulder and carries and walks with that Bear Medicine. She seeks the medicine of the 4 legged and has worked with it since youth. She teaches of Introspection, of going within, and entering that cave of solitude. That beautiful women, that grandmother is me. I am her. I feel her within my blood. She is a medicine women. She is collecting wild herbs to craft medicine for healing the people. She has been walking towards that field of wild herbs all her life. Walking towards becoming that women, Caring Medicine and Healing for all her relations. 

As i walk in this journey of self discovery; of finding Worthiness and Self love in my Heart, finding acceptance of my color skin, i finally come to a place of Wisdom.
 I sit up with the Ancestors inside the Dreamlodge and know that i am Loved. That my work here on Mother Earth is to find Self Love and healing, so that i can prepare as i slowly walk into the shoes of a Grandmother and as a Teacher. 
I have much ahead of me. Many elders stand before me and our paths will cross. I will continue to be judged. Yet there i find Self Exceptance in who i Am.
 I continue walking past those Dark Spirits and then i can confront my own Image. The Darker side of me that is full of Fear, of Sorrow, of Ego. And i know now that i am very close to being ready to Embrace that Shadow with Love. And let her go. Become one image that is full of Light. 
From here i can walk with the wolves that have been following me in the distance all my life. Become that Teacher and help others embrace their Shadows. 

At this moment i am realizing i am worthy of carrying this medicine. 

For all 2 Legged on this Earth have Medicine that they carry. Bundles that we hold. Medicine that we teach. Medicine that speaks of who we are. Our Earthwalks... 

And thus, we all are in our own rights Medicine Women and Men. Eventually i pray we all will seek healing for ourselves and All Our People and find our way back home.

To All of my Relations.

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