Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I am Worthy

I sat quietly listening to the words over the receiver reach this end. Words being spoken thousands of miles away from me as i sat in my home in the Great White North. These words were a meditation that were being led from a women who knew how to facilitate and guide these sort of things quit well. I sat in silence, trying to go to that inner place. Yet rather quickly i forgot what was happening and was off in my own head trip...

Oh right, Let me clarify that i dont usually, well never, do i meditate. I have never found it my source to healing or my path to clarity, it is simply that. Well that is thro the form of meditation that most people know; that a Yoga Instructor will take you thro...

Yet recently i was taken thro a mediation into the Sweat Lodge. I was taken back to the Heart of the Earth. And that place i know very well.

I have sat hundreds of times upon our mother in the darkness, sweating out all the physical and spiritual toxins. I have sat in prayer in the womb of our Mother, looking upon those glowing grandfathers, upon those rocks that have been soaking up the heat in the fire for the past few hours. I have handled those grandfathers, i have brought them into the lodge with those deer antlers, and my hands and antlers have become one. Neither were separate. From then on it was clear i was in my element and walking in my medicine.  

I know that place, that darkness. It is one of my favorite places on earth. A place of rebirth. A rebirth that can happen every time you enter into that willow structure upon your knees, bending your forehead down to the earth to kiss our mother and speak, To all my Relations. 

That place is my way home. It is my sort of meditation and my divine source to healing.

 My road walks down this Red Road and into that Inipi, for one day i will be pouring the water over our Grandfathers. I will be leading that healing for All People and finding myself in the position of a Teacher, of an Elder, and wise women. 

But I am not there yet....OOOOHHH NO!

I am still a baby searching for it's way. I only did come upon this road not too long ago.  The Red Road is new to me, yet at the same time is is what i have always known. I have sought it for the first 22 years of my life without direction. I have been here before that time, before birth. I have walked down this road many lives... Yet in this life i am still a newbie. The traditions are known and very familiar, yet this life i have chosen to overcome many obstacles within my heart to get there....

 Now i sit here, remembering my destiny and what i planned to do upon this Earth before physically being born. I sit here knowing my Earth Walk. 

Not in detail, but i know that outline. And thus being in a world where most people of today have not woken up to their higher plans and to God, perhaps i am more ready than i think...

Yet to be honest with myself. I have known what i am to do for a while now. Back to that first very real Sweatlodge i entered over 4 years ago, i sat in a silence. I sat in a place of remembrance.

That first door and round of purification i sat purifying my physical body and sweating out all the toxins and chemicals i take in today in our unhealthy world. I sat thro that second door, purifying my Emotions and setting my Heart out in front of me. That third round came around and i was still strong and wasn't moving. I took in my Spiritual tasks for this life. That last, fourth round was of rejoice and glory as my heartbeat connected with our Mother Earths and for a moment in time we were ONE...

And there i was reborn inside the womb of our mother. 

Life moved incredibly fast from there out and the Red Road became my Road. My walk became one of ceremony and i moved from one ceremony to the next. Absorbing the teachings as i watched and preserved every moment in time. 

Yet back to this physical moment, this meditation. This imagery of entering into the Inipi and Purifying. 

Well i guess what has come up is a HUGE KABAM!!!!! in knowing what i need and have been purifying most in my life. Clarity on what i need to be doing. 

It i no surprise, it has been my work ever since i woke up in that first Sweat, was Reborn, and regained memory of who i am to become. 

I know who i am, i know who i am to be, so what is holding me back.... What is stopping these feet from jumping off the edge and into the arms of Creator God?

I suppose it is simple... It is FEAR. 

There are moments it scares me... the knowing of what i am too do. And now i understand this is because for me, it feels so so BIG. A big walk that is dedicated to Healing to our Mother Earth.

It would be so much more simple to forget about it, go hide in the world that consumes most people today. Run up that ladder towards success, live in the city, get married and find security, make babies... Oh that would be easy!  I could do that at any moment if i wanted too. <<<>>People around me sure seem so... 

Yet deep in my heart i know i could never be... I cant turn my back on Creator and let the People down. I have a big mission to accomplish this life time. And i have just realized a big part of that is feeling Worthy Enough to do it. 

Feeling worthy in knowing that i was chosen by God as one of his children. That i am a child of Light and Love. Not just knowing, but feeling the Power of Love from all Man Kind. 

I have been constantly back tracking by making up excuses to God that i am not ready to do this work. Do the work for the people.... I havent wanted to be one of his awoken children who are working in their higher purpose....

Wait, what did i just say? I didnt want that.....why is that True? How can i write those words, yet be walking this walk and praying the opposite? 

Finally clarity is coming.... This is a good day!  I have been being held down by so much fear that i was not worthy enough to walk down this path as a healer...

Why is this? Why do i feel such high regard for healers? Why do i hold them higher than others?

The word healer makes me feel like it is associated to someone special. Perhaps someone that is favored by God. Curendera or Medicine Women seem as if that God granted a gift to those women and it is only passed on thro generations of Indigenous Blood. Thus there i go and eliminate my possibility... And Shaman is the extreme of all and is a rare gift from God. Only those who have been woken up for consecutive life times are chosen to do this work as they are the enlightened ones.

Deep in my heart i know i am all those. 

I am holding the healer in high regard for it is my most far stretching dream i could possibly desire. My daydreams are full of this Medicine Path. I walk this path in my full Vision.

Yet i still am simply walking in envy of those who are ready to do that work.... for i have felt so small my whole life. I never have felt that i could be worthy of doing healing work for the people. And that is simply because i will only be ready to do work; heal, once i have healed my own heart from these sorrows of insignificance. 

I can understand now dreams are not little nor big. People are little or big. And what makes them that way is how they perceive themselves. It depends all on the beholder and how they feel about themselves. It depends on how we see ourselves. For Creator God see's us all as equal and all thro the Eyes of a Loving Father. God created each of his children with LOVE.

I can see that we humans all have the ability to bring healing into the world. We all hold and walk our Medicine. Thus no one is better or bigger than others. 

 For me, for the longest time  i have seen before me a big mission i have ahead of me, for i have always felt not ready to do it.  I know what i am to do, yet it scares me that i am not big enough to do it.  

I woke up to my destiny and now must acknowledge it by facing all FEARS. Face Truth and  follow my walk. It comes down to being big, because i feel so small.. I feel so so small and it hurts inside my heart. 

The women in my family have been passing down from generation to the next the same SMALLNESS. We now carry it in our heritage and  in our blood. We are small in the face of God in our eyes. We are unworthy in Love. We feel ugly, we don't know self beauty of our bodies or spirits. 

I can feel that my mother, her sisters, our grandmother, our great grandmother felt an insignificant within themselves as well. In doing so passing in onto today to Myself, my Sister, and my Cousins.

I danced last Summer in the harbor, dancing to my commitment with Creator for all my family. During my dance a sudden word came to me... A word that still brings an overwhelming sense of sadness, smallness, and fear. A simple word...


To be worthy. I am Worthy and i am Loved.

I can see that it is just not i cowering in fear in the darkness anymore... This strange and deep seeded Root of Smallness has been following the women in my family like a lingering dark shadow. It is a hunger trying to consume us into the depths of fear and sorrow.

Yet i am ready to be no more part of it. I am ready to let it all go, find Worthiness and Beauty in myself and know that i am special. I am cutting this heavy chain from my ancestral line with an obsidian blade. An obsidian knife for that is what i carry being Tijax and the Healer within the family. This stops with me!

I am a divine Creation of God. I am Light. I am Beautiful. I am ready to become a teacher and to shed all pain and sufferings back to the Earth and fully embrace the Medicine Women that i am. 

I am in the stage of Transformation. I am preparing myself for what is coming and all the teachings that are going to be suddenly coming my way once i finally surrender to my Destiny and let go of all fear. 

Let go of being small and hiding for all my generations to come, so that we women of my lineage now and in the future can walk Big in our Medicine, Big in our Power, and carry Big Prayers. 

I am not ready to just heal all aspects of my life, i am here purifying the path for the generations to come. 

With each person that heals themselves, the world heals. 

I am Loved. I am Worthy. I am Beautiful.

Here i stand before the Eyes of God and acknowledge my Earth Walk and my Destiny. My Dreams and my Vision soon shall be a reality, for i am overcoming and crossing the river of shadows to the other side full of Light. 

I stand before the sweat lodge, now truly ready to be called in by the Grandmothers. Once inside sitting among them with my heart radiating with Confidence and Worthiness, there i shall find the path to my teachings begin.  

Grandmother, Let us begin our Teachings.

---- You are Loved ----

Waking Up

Good Evening Relatives

Most of you dont know me. I most defiantly am standing outside of my territory here. Standing before you and talking to all your lovely faces. I sit here amongst you today, daydreaming...
 Daydreaming upon you over there being my auntie, He my brother, and up there my grandmother. I daydream of making you my relatives.
Those are big words i know... Yet i pray to finally find my people and my home. Of my long, long search all over the Earth, coming to a slow end, as i finally find my Nation and My People. 

I was born in Northern California, in the Redwoods. I was born among the Tree Nation and know and understand the Medicine from the Standing Ones, from our Ancestors. I know the Earth. I know the Water, the rains that abound my home land... I feel divinely connected to my physical Birthplace. To the Mountains and Green Earth Mother that surrounds me. Yet up there i stand alone. I stand within a family that loves me, that cherishes me, yet i still seek more... More of a  connection to the People, to a Community, a Family, One Nation... 

When i look in the mirror, i am shocked to see a White Women standing before me. I see that White skin and think, how could that be me? I dont feel white. I dont feel like i belong to this Nation. I see myself as a young, beautiful dark skinned, dark hair Indian Women. A Red Women.

Yet deep within my heart i know we are all One Nation..... Yet most people dont remember this. We still judge each other for the color of our skin....Many will enter into that tipi and see it full of white people and leave. I too, still separate the colors. Yet here i walk this Red Road, but am being constantly judged as i have pale white skin. 

I know who i am....
My heart strongly holds this knowledge. This wisdom the Ancestors bring me Sing loud and clear. I know my Song.  I am a craftswomen who works that way with her hands. Who brings healing to the people. The best way that i know how. Using the Plant Nation, the Stone Nation, the 4 Legged Nation, and the Winged Nation in healing. Bringing forth their medicines to teach the people. Remind us who we are...Yet my heart cowers in the corner questioning Creator if i am Worthy? Worthy of such medicine....

How can a white women know the old ways and teach of the traditions?
Why am i worthy from all other 2 Legged that walk this Earth, to be gifted as a healer?

I am yet just another human with so much mixed blood in her that i have no distinct connection to the land or Earth. I feel i am no race and thus can not find my tribe, my people, and my way home...

I have been searching across Mother Earth since i could pick up and travel on my own. I  have searched continents, glimpsing in on religions and cultures that are far more different than i ever would know. Not was it till i opened up my Heart in South East Asia did i hear Mother Earth Speak to me. They were not human words. They were not audible. I finally had heard Mother Earth's Heart Beat and it connected with my own beat. Our hearts were beating together, as one, and i understood as we spoke to one another and she told me "Go Home. Go Home to your Land and your People." 

Yet i felt i still didnt know where home was and what could possibly be waiting for me, as i had spent searching the first 16 years of my life for that Connection. Yet i knew in my Heart that i must return to my land. And there i did. Back to Turtle Island and to my People.
 Connecting with the land at home finally brought me back to the Earth. I traced back to my one traceable Indigenous relative. A Mission Indian as her entire culture was ripped from her. She has no traceable roots. Only a name and birth place. Thus i have taken that name into my Heart. 

Juana Montijo - 

Her home was in the land of the Chumash people and thus i have taken the Chumash into my Heart as well. And with this distant Great Great Grandmother i sing my songs of the Earth to her and ask for guidance. I pray to her and my Ancestors to strengthen my connection with the Earth. To teach me the ways of my distant relatives, of my long lost people. I ask for connection to Creator God, connection to a nation, tribe, a community, to people from the Heart of the Earth.

I have seen the older me. I have had a glimpse into my future. I  look into the Obsidian Mirror and see myself as a reflection, as a Grandmother...
That wise women, that elder that is within us all. I see that chubby women with long, graying hair that is full of starlight caressing each strand. She is being cradled by Mother Earth. Surrounded by wildlife and all that is our Mother. The Earth knows me, she is within me, and we are all one. That women in that open field just beyond the edge of the forests and growth of the Standing Ones is hunched down, leaning over and harvesting wild herbs. With Rushing water nearby, wild wolves out in the distance cry as the full moon rises. That women wears a bear hide over her shoulder and carries and walks with that Bear Medicine. She seeks the medicine of the 4 legged and has worked with it since youth. She teaches of Introspection, of going within, and entering that cave of solitude. That beautiful women, that grandmother is me. I am her. I feel her within my blood. She is a medicine women. She is collecting wild herbs to craft medicine for healing the people. She has been walking towards that field of wild herbs all her life. Walking towards becoming that women, Caring Medicine and Healing for all her relations. 

As i walk in this journey of self discovery; of finding Worthiness and Self love in my Heart, finding acceptance of my color skin, i finally come to a place of Wisdom.
 I sit up with the Ancestors inside the Dreamlodge and know that i am Loved. That my work here on Mother Earth is to find Self Love and healing, so that i can prepare as i slowly walk into the shoes of a Grandmother and as a Teacher. 
I have much ahead of me. Many elders stand before me and our paths will cross. I will continue to be judged. Yet there i find Self Exceptance in who i Am.
 I continue walking past those Dark Spirits and then i can confront my own Image. The Darker side of me that is full of Fear, of Sorrow, of Ego. And i know now that i am very close to being ready to Embrace that Shadow with Love. And let her go. Become one image that is full of Light. 
From here i can walk with the wolves that have been following me in the distance all my life. Become that Teacher and help others embrace their Shadows. 

At this moment i am realizing i am worthy of carrying this medicine. 

For all 2 Legged on this Earth have Medicine that they carry. Bundles that we hold. Medicine that we teach. Medicine that speaks of who we are. Our Earthwalks... 

And thus, we all are in our own rights Medicine Women and Men. Eventually i pray we all will seek healing for ourselves and All Our People and find our way back home.

To All of my Relations.

Remembering our Earth Walk

Wake up.... Wake up....

I say wake up brothers and sisters.
It is time to wake up and face the truth behind reality...

Aren't you ready to face the real world today?

No i am not talking about the Real World that adults tell their childdren that they must come to know one day. Not a world of higher education, careers, success, money, marriage, ownership of property, buying your own house, 2 cars out in the driveway.... NOOOO.... 
Not a house full of material goods, dinner being the only hour you get with your family, stuck in traffic hours everyday, being in an office all day and missing all sunlight, city gardens of pavement and concrete....

Dont you Remember? 
Oh right most of us dont anymore... We forget it once we hit an adolescence age where we are so easily influenced by our parents and world we see today...
We forget why we have come to this Earth and what we are to do.

Now do you Remember?
Do you get at what i am talking about. 
Remember!!!! Your Destiny.

---- Our Earthwalks ----

Yes each wee humble human being carries a destiny and walks a certain path. We have written out our own lives before we are even born. We create the outline of the challenges we decide we must face to overcome and transcend onto another level of human consciousness. 

As newborns and infants we humans are still connected with Creator. We still know our Divine Plan. Yet with time and human life influences this "plan or walk" is forgotten or pushed to the smallest corner in your Heart. There it sits until we are ready to kneal upon Mother Earth, kiss and touch the Earth, and ask Creator for Guidance. Pray for clarity and vision to your Earthwalk and who you are.

When we are just little one's we forget our Dreams and are influenced by the Dreams of the Minds current state of the World. We decide our dream is to be a firefighter, a rock star, or an Artist. Later it can become a doctor, a lawyer, or  Teacher. What we assume is that our dream must be within a profession. That our dreams must be reasonable and help us make a living. Yet doesn't that confine us a bit to what we humans are capable of doing? 

What of those passions that bring us utter happiness and complete connection with the Divine, yet do not give us a way to sustain our lives? 

We 2 legged have forgotten our purpose in the chaos of the world's hunger game of survival. We have forgotten that everything we possibly need to survive is given to us by our Mother and that the Earth will always take care of her Children, as long as we do the same for her. Yet being so disconnected we have no sense of how to return to her and thus feel that we must meet the standards of this Modern World we live in and live up to what the "Machine" reads. 

I ask you this....

What is your most wild and crazy dream for your life? 

Who is the most heart inspiring women or man that you want to be?

See we all have a dream inside our hearts...somewhere. Often our inner most dreams are hiding. Fear is blocking them from emerging and leading your life. We let fear control instead of our Hearts. Sometimes our Dreams may seem little, sometimes very big. Yet all dreams are the same, all are valid and important. It only depends on the beholder and how they feel about themselves. It depends on how we see ourselves. For Creator God see's us all thro the eyes of LOVE. God created each child of his in the same manner. We are all equal, all the same in importance. We may each be made of different ingredients  different spices, but that is what makes us unique. God has no favorites you see. Yet he does have children who are happier, those who are on track with their higher purposes, and those who have ascended to a level where they think of themselves no more and only of others and are hear on planet Earth to help HEAL and WAKE UP the PEOPLE....

Remember your Dreams. Your Earth walk. Your Destinies.
We all have a journey to take, we all have a road to walk down, and we all have the power to manifest anything in our lives. The only thing stopping us is us.... 

Sometimes our hearts stop us from believing that we deserve such incredible dreams becoming reality. Sometimes we dont think we can do it. We fear, FEAR, that we dont deserve it. Some hide from the world in the shadows. Hiding from their path for they feel Small. Hide from God as they do not want to face the TRUTH. Facing the truth will require healing. Healing comes from a place when one is ready to step off the cliff and let Creator take care of you. 

I know this as Faith.

And others often feel the opposite of small and thus walk in state of mind that they are more important than others. They live their lives not in the shadows, but wide in the open for everyone to see. They walk in Ego. Walking in anger and hate. Feeling better than others, more powerful, and in control. They dont hide in fear, they ride Fear and laugh in the face of God.... 

We are all in the power to Create our own Lives.

Haven't you heard by now the phrase.... "We are all writers of our own Scripts?"

What does that mean you ask? Well simple... You, yes YOU have the power to create anything and everything that happens in your life. We simple humans, were once not so simple. We come from Divine Beings of Light. We are Pure Light. Yet we have forgotten this, and thus have forgotten that we have the power to move our lives in any direction that we choose. We 2 Legged are so powerful that we can Create our own Realities and MANIFEST anything we desire in our own lives. That is if that desire is coming from a higher place and good for all people. We have forgotten we are pure Magic!

Each of us carries our own Medicine. Our own Teachings. Our own Songs...

Have you remembered your Song yet?

Dont worry... You will get there. I have faith in you. Creator is guiding you back home. To the center, to the Universal Heartbeat, where all is ONE.

We are the Dreamweavers. We are the Choosen Ones...

Take some time for yourself today.
Go within, inside to the depths of your heart.

Once there you can explore all corners of the universe. For God, Creator, the vast universe of Light, that all lives within side of each and everyone of us. 

My story

Virgo - Sun & Scorpio - Moon & Aries - Rising
Mayan Calender Sign (Quiche Count) - Tijax 9 - The Curendera, Doctor, & Healer

I grew up in Northern California. In the middle of Hippie Paradise. Parents who moved up north to live off the land. I was cherished. I have the most incredible parents i could think of. Yet growing up i didnt always see this.
 I was a nature child and running around searching for the wee folk,yet during the teens my view shifted from Loving the Pure Beauty of Humboldt's Mountains to yearning a modern life in the city. I was media gagged.... Pulled into the concepts and ideals of what a Modern Women should look like and how one should live in the mainstream society.

I believe TRAVEL was what cured me. What got me back onto this road of Mother Earth. 

I started travelling at 16. I left for the Czech Republic to be an exchange student for a year. Meeting so many international people changed my concepts from a small town American girl - to a Worldly young women seeking Adventure....
I decided to not go to College or University. I was a Honor Student, yet felt such an intense desire for TRAVEL that i ignored societies common views... 
I went to Ecuador for the summer after Graduating High School. Then took for Spain to be a nanny and learn Spanish. From there i traveled around Europe for a summer by Train and ended up landing back in Prague to teach English for a year. After 2 straight years in Europe, along with a girlfriend, we Flew off for INDIA for a new Adventure. I spent 5 months of adventure, parties, and self discovery, until i was finally beckoned or rather commanded to come home and visit family as it had been over 2 1/2 years. 
Yet time in Cali was kept short and i was back to South East Asia for another 7 months travelling, this time Alone on the Road... This is where my path towards Spirituality really started to open up for me. I had had Rastas since India, was totally living the Hippie Life, yet was mixed up with Spiritual Enlightenment thro Drugs and Alcohol. 
After 6 months or so i heard Mother Earth speak to me. Not in a voice, not thro words, yet an energy. She said i needed to Go Home to the AMERICAS. This was big, as i had been planning on spending the next year or 2 in China. 
But i listened to that Voice and went home to Turtle Island and really have been here since. 

My work is here. In the Americas. My vision is clear. Turtle Island is my home. This is where My People are. Where my Ancestors are. From Canada, United States, Mexico, to Guatemala here is where my work lies. With the First Nations and Ceremony. I am a medicine women. I am a healer. And a women of the Earth.