I sat quietly listening to the words over the receiver reach this end. Words being spoken thousands of miles away from me as i sat in my home in the Great White North. These words were a meditation that were being led from a women who knew how to facilitate and guide these sort of things quit well. I sat in silence, trying to go to that inner place. Yet rather quickly i forgot what was happening and was off in my own head trip...
Oh right, Let me clarify that i dont usually, well never, do i meditate. I have never found it my source to healing or my path to clarity, it is simply that. Well that is thro the form of meditation that most people know; that a Yoga Instructor will take you thro...
Yet recently i was taken thro a mediation into the Sweat Lodge. I was taken back to the Heart of the Earth. And that place i know very well.
I have sat hundreds of times upon our mother in the darkness, sweating out all the physical and spiritual toxins. I have sat in prayer in the womb of our Mother, looking upon those glowing grandfathers, upon those rocks that have been soaking up the heat in the fire for the past few hours. I have handled those grandfathers, i have brought them into the lodge with those deer antlers, and my hands and antlers have become one. Neither were separate. From then on it was clear i was in my element and walking in my medicine.
I know that place, that darkness. It is one of my favorite places on earth. A place of rebirth. A rebirth that can happen every time you enter into that willow structure upon your knees, bending your forehead down to the earth to kiss our mother and speak, To all my Relations.
That place is my way home. It is my sort of meditation and my divine source to healing.
My road walks down this Red Road and into that Inipi, for one day i will be pouring the water over our Grandfathers. I will be leading that healing for All People and finding myself in the position of a Teacher, of an Elder, and wise women.
But I am not there yet....OOOOHHH NO!
I am still a baby searching for it's way. I only did come upon this road not too long ago. The Red Road is new to me, yet at the same time is is what i have always known. I have sought it for the first 22 years of my life without direction. I have been here before that time, before birth. I have walked down this road many lives... Yet in this life i am still a newbie. The traditions are known and very familiar, yet this life i have chosen to overcome many obstacles within my heart to get there....
Now i sit here, remembering my destiny and what i planned to do upon this Earth before physically being born. I sit here knowing my Earth Walk.
Not in detail, but i know that outline. And thus being in a world where most people of today have not woken up to their higher plans and to God, perhaps i am more ready than i think...
Yet to be honest with myself. I have known what i am to do for a while now. Back to that first very real Sweatlodge i entered over 4 years ago, i sat in a silence. I sat in a place of remembrance.
That first door and round of purification i sat purifying my physical body and sweating out all the toxins and chemicals i take in today in our unhealthy world. I sat thro that second door, purifying my Emotions and setting my Heart out in front of me. That third round came around and i was still strong and wasn't moving. I took in my Spiritual tasks for this life. That last, fourth round was of rejoice and glory as my heartbeat connected with our Mother Earths and for a moment in time we were ONE...
And there i was reborn inside the womb of our mother.
Life moved incredibly fast from there out and the Red Road became my Road. My walk became one of ceremony and i moved from one ceremony to the next. Absorbing the teachings as i watched and preserved every moment in time.
Yet back to this physical moment, this meditation. This imagery of entering into the Inipi and Purifying.
Well i guess what has come up is a HUGE KABAM!!!!! in knowing what i need and have been purifying most in my life. Clarity on what i need to be doing.
It i no surprise, it has been my work ever since i woke up in that first Sweat, was Reborn, and regained memory of who i am to become.
I know who i am, i know who i am to be, so what is holding me back.... What is stopping these feet from jumping off the edge and into the arms of Creator God?
I suppose it is simple... It is FEAR.
There are moments it scares me... the knowing of what i am too do. And now i understand this is because for me, it feels so so BIG. A big walk that is dedicated to Healing to our Mother Earth.
It would be so much more simple to forget about it, go hide in the world that consumes most people today. Run up that ladder towards success, live in the city, get married and find security, make babies... Oh that would be easy! I could do that at any moment if i wanted too. <<<>>People around me sure seem so...
Yet deep in my heart i know i could never be... I cant turn my back on Creator and let the People down. I have a big mission to accomplish this life time. And i have just realized a big part of that is feeling Worthy Enough to do it.
Feeling worthy in knowing that i was chosen by God as one of his children. That i am a child of Light and Love. Not just knowing, but feeling the Power of Love from all Man Kind.
I have been constantly back tracking by making up excuses to God that i am not ready to do this work. Do the work for the people.... I havent wanted to be one of his awoken children who are working in their higher purpose....
Wait, what did i just say? I didnt want that.....why is that True? How can i write those words, yet be walking this walk and praying the opposite?
Finally clarity is coming.... This is a good day! I have been being held down by so much fear that i was not worthy enough to walk down this path as a healer...
Why is this? Why do i feel such high regard for healers? Why do i hold them higher than others?
The word healer makes me feel like it is associated to someone special. Perhaps someone that is favored by God. Curendera or Medicine Women seem as if that God granted a gift to those women and it is only passed on thro generations of Indigenous Blood. Thus there i go and eliminate my possibility... And Shaman is the extreme of all and is a rare gift from God. Only those who have been woken up for consecutive life times are chosen to do this work as they are the enlightened ones.
Deep in my heart i know i am all those.
I am holding the healer in high regard for it is my most far stretching dream i could possibly desire. My daydreams are full of this Medicine Path. I walk this path in my full Vision.
Yet i still am simply walking in envy of those who are ready to do that work.... for i have felt so small my whole life. I never have felt that i could be worthy of doing healing work for the people. And that is simply because i will only be ready to do work; heal, once i have healed my own heart from these sorrows of insignificance.
I can understand now dreams are not little nor big. People are little or big. And what makes them that way is how they perceive themselves. It depends all on the beholder and how they feel about themselves. It depends on how we see ourselves. For Creator God see's us all as equal and all thro the Eyes of a Loving Father. God created each of his children with LOVE.
I can see that we humans all have the ability to bring healing into the world. We all hold and walk our Medicine. Thus no one is better or bigger than others.
For me, for the longest time i have seen before me a big mission i have ahead of me, for i have always felt not ready to do it. I know what i am to do, yet it scares me that i am not big enough to do it.
I woke up to my destiny and now must acknowledge it by facing all FEARS. Face Truth and follow my walk. It comes down to being big, because i feel so small.. I feel so so small and it hurts inside my heart.
The women in my family have been passing down from generation to the next the same SMALLNESS. We now carry it in our heritage and in our blood. We are small in the face of God in our eyes. We are unworthy in Love. We feel ugly, we don't know self beauty of our bodies or spirits.
I can feel that my mother, her sisters, our grandmother, our great grandmother felt an insignificant within themselves as well. In doing so passing in onto today to Myself, my Sister, and my Cousins.
I danced last Summer in the harbor, dancing to my commitment with Creator for all my family. During my dance a sudden word came to me... A word that still brings an overwhelming sense of sadness, smallness, and fear. A simple word...
To be worthy. I am Worthy and i am Loved.
I can see that it is just not i cowering in fear in the darkness anymore... This strange and deep seeded Root of Smallness has been following the women in my family like a lingering dark shadow. It is a hunger trying to consume us into the depths of fear and sorrow.
Yet i am ready to be no more part of it. I am ready to let it all go, find Worthiness and Beauty in myself and know that i am special. I am cutting this heavy chain from my ancestral line with an obsidian blade. An obsidian knife for that is what i carry being Tijax and the Healer within the family. This stops with me!
I am a divine Creation of God. I am Light. I am Beautiful. I am ready to become a teacher and to shed all pain and sufferings back to the Earth and fully embrace the Medicine Women that i am.
I am in the stage of Transformation. I am preparing myself for what is coming and all the teachings that are going to be suddenly coming my way once i finally surrender to my Destiny and let go of all fear.
Let go of being small and hiding for all my generations to come, so that we women of my lineage now and in the future can walk Big in our Medicine, Big in our Power, and carry Big Prayers.
I am not ready to just heal all aspects of my life, i am here purifying the path for the generations to come.
With each person that heals themselves, the world heals.
I am Loved. I am Worthy. I am Beautiful.
Here i stand before the Eyes of God and acknowledge my Earth Walk and my Destiny. My Dreams and my Vision soon shall be a reality, for i am overcoming and crossing the river of shadows to the other side full of Light.
I stand before the sweat lodge, now truly ready to be called in by the Grandmothers. Once inside sitting among them with my heart radiating with Confidence and Worthiness, there i shall find the path to my teachings begin.
Grandmother, Let us begin our Teachings.
---- You are Loved ----